Topic: Sports Safety
Intro: (hook, intro to topic, thesis statement)
Premise 1: Sports are an important part of society. It has been for many years now. However, should this be enough reason for risking the lives of the athletes who play? Sports safety has been a topic of discussion for years now. Sports organizations like the NFL, NBA, etc have been implementing new rules to prevent injuries. These have proven to help, but maybe not enough.
Supporting Evidence: Bradsher, Bethany. “Sports Safety”. CQ Researcher, 16 Jun 2023. Thousand Oaks, California: CQ Press, 2023. 31 Oct 2023, doi: https://doi.org/10.4135/cqresrre20230616
Premise 2: Although any kind of injury can arise during NFL games, the most prominent is CTE (Chronic traumatic encephalopathy). This is a very serious injury that happens after repeated hits to the head. That being said, it is very dangerous and even life threatening in certain cases. Therefore, the NFL has taken this injury serious in these past few years as the cases of CTE in the league rise. CTE can cause all kinds of terrible affects. Some being memory and thinking problems, personality change, confusion, and erratic behavior. These points become more intimidating after the fact that CTE itself is still mysterious and doctors and scientists haven’t fully grasped it.
Supporting Evidence: Mantel, Barbara. “CTE and Athletes”. CQ Researcher, 08 May 2020. Thousand Oaks, California: CQ Press, 2020. 31 Oct 2023, doi: https://doi.org/10.4135/cqresrre20200508
Premise 3/ Opposing Viewpoint: In the NFL, more medical staff have been present during games. There are specific protocols the staff follow for every type of injury. An ambulance is also on standby in the stadium in the rare case that it is needed. These help provide every resource necessary to treat any circumstance with efficiency. These are good precautions to take, however, the issue isn’t treating the player, it’s preventing the injury. Neither of these rules do that. Every time a player hits the ground or gets tackled their brains moves. These movements hurt the brain over time and this in turn cause CTE.
Supporting Evidence: Bradsher, Bethany. “Sports Safety”. CQ Researcher, 16 Jun 2023. Thousand Oaks, California: CQ Press, 2023. 31 Oct 2023, doi: https://doi.org/10.4135/cqresrre20230616
Conclusion: (paraphrase your thesis, and explain why this topic matters)
In conclusion, although sports are very important in today’s society, it should not be at the cost of the health of athletes. This needs to be discussed more often because as it may not seem serious at the moment, every time those players put on their shoulder pads and helmet they are signing themselves up for almost guaranteed brain damage.
Draft:
Sports are an important part of society. It has been for many years now. However, should this be enough reason for risking the lives of the athletes who play? Sports safety has been a topic of discussion for years now. Sports organizations like the NFL, NBA, etc have been implementing new rules to prevent injuries. These have proven to help, but maybe not enough. According to “Sports Safety” by Bethany Bradsher, she quoted an ESPN article that said “Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa remained immobilized for 10 minutes before being carried off the field with a concussion after a hard tackle in a game against the Cincinnati Bengals. Four days earlier, Tagovailoa had continued to play against the Buffalo Bills, despite showing worrisome signs that he might have suffered a head injury”. This is very alarming as after being unconcious for 10 minutes he was allowed to play the very next week.
Although any kind of injury can arise during NFL games, the most prominent is CTE (Chronic traumatic encephalopathy). This is a very serious injury that happens after repeated hits to the head. That being said, it is very dangerous and even life threatening in certain cases. Therefore, the NFL has taken this injury serious in these past few years as the cases of CTE in the league rise. CTE can cause all kinds of terrible affects. Some being memory and thinking problems, personality change, confusion, and erratic behavior. These points become more intimidating after the fact that CTE itself is still mysterious and doctors and scientists haven’t fully grasped it. In the words of Barbara Mantel she wrote “Research links CTE to repeated blows to the head. The disease is thought to lead to memory loss, depression, outbursts, aggression and, in more severe cases, paranoia and dementia. It can be diagnosed only after death, through microscopic examination of brain tissue. It has no cure”, in her article “CTE and Athletes”. This is scary and shows the severity of this injury. The NFL needs to make preventing this their top priority.
In the NFL, more medical staff have been present during games. There are specific protocols the staff follow for every type of injury. An ambulance is also on standby in the stadium in the rare case that it is needed. These help provide every resource necessary to treat any circumstance with efficiency. Chief of Neuropsychology at Children’s National Hospital, Gerard A. Gioia states “USA Football introduced the Football Development Model (FDM) to modify how the game is taught and played. Based on the athlete’s age and skill level, coaches teach a curriculum emphasizing developmentally sensitive skills to maximize fun and athleticism while reducing contact”. These are good precautions to take, however, the issue isn’t treating the player, it’s preventing the injury. Neither of these rules do that. Every time a player hits the ground or gets tackled their brains moves. These movements hurt the brain over time and this in turn cause CTE.
In conclusion, although sports are very important in today’s society, it should not be at the cost of the health of athletes. This needs to be discussed more often because as it may not seem serious at the moment, every time those players put on their shoulder pads and helmet they are signing themselves up for almost guaranteed brain damage.
Cited sources:
Bradsher, Bethany. “Sports Safety”. CQ Researcher, 16 Jun 2023. Thousand Oaks, California: CQ Press, 2023. 31 Oct 2023, doi: https://doi.org/10.4135/cqresrre20230616
Louis-Jacques, Marcel. “Miami Dolphins’ Tua Tagovailoa Released from Hospital after Suffering Head and Neck Injuries.” ESPN, ESPN Internet Ventures, 29 Sept. 2022, www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/34692842/miami-dolphins-quarterback-tua-tagovailoa-taken-hospital-head-neck-injuries. Accessed 30 Oct. 2023.
Mantel, Barbara. “CTE and Athletes”. CQ Researcher, 08 May 2020. Thousand Oaks, California: CQ Press, 2020. 31 Oct 2023, doi: https://doi.org/10.4135/cqresrre20200508
Fesharaki-Zadeh, A. (2019, June 17). Chronic traumatic encephalopathy: A brief overview. Frontiers. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fneur.2019.00713/full
One thought on “Alex Castillo – Outline and Draft”
1.Does the draft include a thesis statement/ conclusion? What is it? Is it clearly stated and arguable?
Yes, this essay has a thesis. In the first paragraph, the writer tells us that sport is essential in our lives, but this is not a reason to put the lives of the athletes at risk, which gives me the idea that the main idea of the easy is about the care of the athletes or Sports safety.
2.Does every body paragraph begin with a premise/ topic sentence that supports the thesis?
I agree that in the first paragraph of the essay, the writer covered a lot, and the Premise is lost a bit after the introduction. Still, I suspect that the first Premise is: “Sports organizations like the NFL, NBA, etc. have been implementing new rules to prevent injuries.” and that the sentences before this phrase is the introduction that I think should be in a separate paragraph for clarity. The second Premise is “Although any kind of injury can arise during NFL games, the most prominent is CTE (Chronic traumatic encephalopathy).” Then, the writer tells us in his body paragraph what the CTE needs to do to support how the sport puts the players at risk. The third Premise is “In the NFL, more medical staff have been present during games. There are specific protocols the staff follow for every type of injury,” supporting the sports safety topic that the writer wants to accomplish.”
3.Does each body paragraph include relevant supporting evidence? Explain.
Yes, the writer refers to external opinions from famous sports sites in each paragraph that support the main idea of the paragraph and contribute to the thesis.
4.Does the draft include 3 sources, at least two of which are from CQ Researcher or Opposing Viewpoints/ BMCC database?
Yes, Provided 4 Sources in total.
5.Does the research support the author’s thesis without replacing their voice? For example, if there is a quote, is it explained and analyzed?
Yes
6.Does the author include at least 1 opposing viewpoint, followed by a refutation? Explain.
I disagree that the writer provided an opposing viewpoint to what he was stating since the beginning of the essay since all the evidence he provided supported his point of view and did not contradict it.
7.Is it clear who the audience is/ who the draft is addressed to?
Yes, The write explain well his point of view
8. Does the author include an outline? If so, is it well-organized?
Yes, the write covert all points in the outline but I would love to see an introduction
9. What are the strengths of this draft?
It is a very argumentative Draft and is well-evidenced. The writer did a great job explaining his resources
10. Do you have any other comments or suggestions?
N/A