Gender identity is a subject with complexities.
The social customs of my environment has influenced my gender identity. I identify with my gender-assignment. In other words, I am a cis-gendered, heterosexual woman. I was up in a Heteronormative culture and household. A Heteronormative culture assumes people within society are attracted to the opposite sex. In the Caribbean, it is taboo to say otherwise and challenge the gender identity norms constructed. If a child is born with a vagina, they will be labeled female and will take an interest in the male gender; Vice versa.
I don’t remember questioning my assigned gender but, I remember challenging it. From an early age, I identified myself as a female. I just knew I wasn’t a girly girl. I was labeled as a tomboy because I was rough, tall, and all I wore were pants. I did not share the same interest as the other girls in my class. While they were forming their girl groups and playing with lip gloss, I was playing sports with the guys. I did not take any real interest in my beauty or boys and it frustrated my mother. (not the boys) She was all woman, she would get her hair done on a bi-weekly basis, she cooked, clean, raise children, and take care of her husband. My older sister was her prototype and would spend a lot of time on her skin regime. I, on the other hand, was a jokester. I enjoyed riding my scooter and spending time with my dad.
My parents grew up in an environment where the sex/gender/sexuality system was ingrained. The sex/gender/sexuality system is when society transforms biological sexuality into products of human activity. Which is probably why my mom would always say things like “Act like a lady”. I find that in most communities, boys are granted more freedom whereas girls are held under a watchful eye and arms reach. Now that I am older, I realize that mom was trying to protect her carefree daughter from potential danger. She also wanted me to represent how well she took care of me whenever I went outside. It’s as if you never really belong to yourself when you’re a child. You have to fulfill your parent’s/family’s dream and society’s interpretation.
I was never a fan of gender roles or expectations. I just wanted to be a kid. I refused to anything my mom would tell me to if it ended with “How are you
going find a husband?” At 12 years old, the only thing remotely close to a husband at the time was the 5 – 10 cent candies at my favorite bodega.
I did not aspire to be like the women in my family because I believe they were settling for less. To these women, playing out their feminine role made them great wives, mothers, and girlfriends. They have been taught to sacrifice themselves time and time again. Although I was young, I knew for sure that this was not what I wanted at all. I even convinced myself that it was best to be alone than to be confined and used in that way. I always wondered if they ever had a voice, and if so where did it go? Why were these women afraid to say no? Why can’t he do it his damn self? Their action is a result of social learning theory. I have realized that these women to shrink themselves because it is all they have known and seen. Social learning is when people learn by observing and imitating others.
As I approached my adolescent stage, I found myself wanting to conform to what other women were doing. I wanted to fit in with a group of people that represented femininity, normalcy, and in style. I wanted to look and feel feminine. At that particular time, I associated femininity with beauty and the upkeep of beauty. I began to mimic the ways of my older sister and my mother because to me they were the epitome of femininity. I would buy all theses faux jewelry, skincare /beauty products to keep up with these standards. Eventually, I realize that it just wasn’t me. I also learned that femininity has so little to do with performance and strenuous upkeep. It’s more of a feeling. It’s confidence, and comfort for me. It is also acceptance and wellness. Femininity is complexed and it can be defined and embodied in a multitude of ways. This is one of the reasons why I no longer feel confined by it.
Hello Nyoka,
Thank you fro sharing your beautiful story. I somehow can relate to it as well. Gender bias is omni present in our daily life. You are very fortunate to have your dad at your rescue that show how open minded he is within your community, maybe you got that free spirit and the personally from him afterall.
you metioned : ” I always wondered if they ever had a voice, and if so where did it go? and why were afraid to say no? why could he do it his damn self? This would be an example of social learning theory.
If you had the power in your hands and you can change your community mind set in gender binary, what would you do ?
Thank you.
Hey Nyoka,
I might have said this before but in Caribbean too. My family is very strict on sexuality. They fully disagree with being gay and they do try to separate themselves from it. I am a straight female. Sometimes, unconsciously, we are who we are or do what we do because of our upbringing and our experiences. So that’s probably played a part in both of our sexualities.
Hello Nkyoa , this was great to read ! you made some great points from your personal thoughts and experiences. Its so true what you discussed, many times women are not happy with their lives because they sacrifice it for the men . We are taught this false idea that if we serve our men that makes us a women, that’s not true. Gender should never get in the way of us having a voice .
I also want to add that you overall did a great job expressing your personal experiences through this paper. Maybe you can add a little bit more referrals to the readings we have done throughout the course ?
Hello Nyoka
Thank you for sharing your story. I can definitely relate because I was also into sports meanwhile I was expected to be home helping my mom, cleaning and cooking. I think it would be great if you tell us more about what your dad though and how did he view the concept of women being housewives and men being in control in a way.
Hi Nyoka, I can relate to your story because growing up I used to see girls play soccer all the time with boys instead of being around girls. Some boys would refuse to play if girls was in the their team. Also some people will ask why are they not with the others girls playing lip glosses? but I believe your story could give them the response because it show that they are happy and feel their true self by doing so. Your story can inspire a lot of people in your case. Thank you!
hey Nyoka Foster, i used to play volleyball and soccer with my uncles, male friends and my brother, i was so happy because playing sports was so delightful to me until the girls in my neighborhood made fun of me. But i never listened to them, because i was having the fun of my life, i believe they were maybe jealous looking back in the past because of my happiness and the fun i was having with my family.