Being the only son and an older brother raised in a traditional Asian family, there were many expectations that were placed upon me at a young age. Phrases like “as a man, it is your job to protect women” or “males need to do all the heavy lifting because you guys are stronger” were told to me on a day to day basis. Having become an adult now, I have realized that such thinking’s are not only outdated but also detrimental to a child’s upbringing, which I can speak from first-hand experience. It is important for us to change these old methods of parenting and teach ourselves and others the importance of gender/sexuality acceptance to push for an accepting society. This brings me to my first point: gender norms and expectations being placed on children.
Although I was born here in Brooklyn, New York, I was raised by my grandparents in a rather suburban neighborhood located in Fuzhou China. This meant more traditional ideals amongst the people which included my grandparents. Being young, I didn’t really fully grasp the concept of gender roles other than the small simple things that my grandma told me. Statements like “boys need to play with toy guns and not Barbies” and “stop watching those girly cartoons” didn’t really resonate with me since I didn’t understand what she meant. All I knew was that as a male, I was discouraged from anything feminine. This led to me being a more outgoing kid with other guys around my age. I only really played with them, not paying attention to females since I thought that hanging out with females would make my grandma mad. Little by little, I also adapted the misogynistic behaviors displayed by my family. For example, when my sister showed interest in shows or toys that I enjoy, I started telling her that these kinds of things are for girls and that she should stick to Barbies and play dates. Obviously when I told those things, I didn’t fully understand what I was doing. As kids, we are impressionable therefore I learned those behaviors from our grandparents. I honestly don’t blame them since it’s basically our heritage, all of our ancestors including our grandparents were brought up that way. What’s important is that we need to understand that this type of parenting is no longer good. It’s filled with misogyny and harmful gender expectations that not only hamper kids who want to explore their gender and sexuality but also raise narrow minded people who aren’t accepting of people who are different. I am thankful that I’ve learned this lesson earlier into my childhood. Otherwise, I’m afraid that I would be a very different person than I am now.
Incidentally, I believe it’s also important to bring up the subject of sexual orientation since it is also connected to gender expectations. Like many others, I’m sure we were raised up with the expectation to like females. I’m always asked the question “What type of girlfriend do you want” even when I was young. Most of the time, the adults are joking as they obviously know that it’s too soon for us to be thinking about relationships but it was something that was uncomfortable for me every time they asked. It got even worse when I moved to the US back in middle school and found out about my sexuality at a young age. In school, I realized that I was not like other kids. While all the boys were asking about which girl they “liked”, my attention was more focused on the boys in my class. It was hard for me to pretend that I liked girls when I obviously didn’t. As times progressed, I started taking on stereotypical behaviors of gay men. My voice is higher than the average male and I started acting more feminine. This gave me a lot of unnecessary attention at home and at school as I was not comfortable with coming out at such a young age (and still haven’t even now). At school, it was fine since I can downplay it to the fact that I was still in puberty but at home was different. Most of my family members didn’t care as we literally grew up together but there was a particular uncle that did not like my “femininity”. He would often comment on my behavior when I’m around him or ask questions to my mother like “why does he act like that?” or “he has such a squeaky voice like a girl.” At first, I would not pay attention to these comments since I simply didn’t care. But as I grew into puberty and started to somewhat think for myself, I would often get irritated or simply embarrassed by the way he talks to/about me. I often pondered what I did wrong to him to receive this treatment, it wasn’t like I was speaking to him with my “squeaky” girl voice. That being said, I put up with him for the remainder of the time I stayed in PA until I moved.
After my move, I was with family members that didn’t mind my femininity which was honestly a breath of fresh air. I mean I felt like I could finally breathe for the first time in my life. Of course school was still the same story but I slowly came out of my shell and met those who are like me. Nowadays, my way of speech easily gives away my sexual preference and I don’t deny it (unless it’s a family member). This leads me to my point of how damaging homophobia can be especially to young children who are exploring their sexuality. I was lucky enough to grow up in a family where homophobia was not very present but I cannot say the same for a lot others. Even though incidents with my uncle were memorable, they weren’t even that bad. I mean yes it was annoying to be called “girly” all the time, but compared to those who have openly homophobic family members, I’d say that I had it easy. I mean take a look at children who grew up in homophobic households. Not only are they close-minded, they are also likely to be misogynists that believe that man is the superior gender. These children also have a higher tendency to bully others who have different sexual preferences than the. It just goes to show how toxic growing up in a homophobic household can be. It’s even more sad for those who are gay growing up in that kind of environment, having to listen to your role model’s tell you that you sexual preference is a “sin” and that it’s unnatural for someone to be gay when they themselves [the kids] didn’t choose to be that way. That’s a whole issue in itself, that people think that being gay is a choice. Being gay, lesbian, queer, etcetera is not a choice; it’s not a lifestyle that you can just adapt to. I myself have lost track of how many times I wished I was straight, how my life would be so much easier if I just liked females but sexual preference doesn’t work that way. Why would anyone choose to be oppressed if they had the choice to have an easier life? It’s because of this notion that being gay is a choice that resulted in conversion camps. These camps aim to get rid of peoples “gayness” but in reality, it’s just a place filled with trauma and regret. All of this just goes to show how homophobia is so damaging to our society, especially our youth. I’ve only listed a few of the problems that’s in this topic and there are a whole lot more. This is why we need to continue preaching about how being different is okay, that it’s not a “sin”. I would even suggest having LGBTQ history be taught in school because again, kids are impressionable and since this is such an important topic. However, I am just one person, I cannot do anything by myself. This is why I hope that whoever reads this can maybe take my story as a way of encouragement and use this as fuel to make changes themselves. We as individuals cannot hope to change society, only through united efforts can we shape our ideal future together.