Being a ghanain woman in my family comes with a lot of expectations for me to follow.This memoir is about me being expected to dress , look and act a certain way. I am oppressed in many ways but yet I benefit from my family’s expectations for me. My family apart from my mother also have expectations from me, to the point that I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Not following expectations from my family leads to consequences. I’ve seen first hand how my family reacted to a family member that did not follow expectations, that has made me fearful of breaking rules. It is really important for me to follow these rules because I want to feel accepted by family and not feel as if I’m the odd one out.
I remember being around the age of 13 and my mother and I having a conversation on how I should carry myself as a young lady. My expectations of being a woman is to dress respectfully, meaning not showing too much skin, not dressing provocatively. These expectations are expected by my family but since i’ve been hearing about this for my whole life it started to be an expectation for myself to follow.I asked my mother why I have these expectations. She began to say that it was because of the home we come from. My mother was raised the same way and she told me that if someone was supposed to see me like that, they would think that i didn’t come from a home and i don’t respect myself. My expectations are more than just clothes, it’s more of a representation of my family and me. I am not allowed to have tattoos or smoke, or drink and party till like 12:00 Am, not saying i want to, but in my family if you have or do either or they will view you as a thug or someone who is not educated. In my family to be viewed as a thug or uneducated, it means you don’t have respect for yourself , you’re always doing something you’re not supposed to do which is something my family can’t stand. It’s unacceptable in my family because image is everything to them, they don’t want outsiders to think that they have family members who don’t care about themselves. Same for piercings and long colorful nails. I can have a piercing but it has to be one and appropriate size, not huge hoop earrings. As for nails, it definitely can not be long and colorful. According to my Grandmother “If you have long nails in my family that means you can’t cook or clean and if you can’t cook or clean you’re not a woman”. To elaborate on the quote not a woman, a woman is supposed to clean and cook in the house, so if you don’t do that you’re worthless in your own home, according to my family. Having colorful nails is not acceptable, as a woman you should on have neutral colors, nothing that stands out, that is unlady like. As for my hair, I am allowed to have any hair style I want but nothing crazy, such as colorful hair or a mohawk, things of that sort are not allowed in my family. If I was supposed to show that to my elder family members back home they would look at me in disgust. I’ve never experienced this personally but I’ve seen how my family reacted to colorful hair styles and they were judging people when looking at them on the television. As a ghanain women I am required to do certain things. I am supposed to dress respectfully, meaning cover up everything. I am supposed to wear either heels or flats, skirts or dresses and pants are ok and shorts but not too short. I am expected to go to school and finish college and have a successful career. When I choose a partner he also has to be going to school and finishing college and also look presentable. If my partner does not have all the qualities that my family wants, it will look really bad on me.
I remember going to Ghana a year ago and meeting my family. When I arrived at my grand uncle’s home, I remember covering my ears because I was scared that he was going to see that I have two piercings in my ear. When I was around the whole family they were asking questions about my life and what I am doing. I made sure to tell them that I was in college to become a psychologist. At first they didn’t look happy, so i made sure to tell them the details on how i was going to get my M.D and become a licensed psychiatrist that prescribed medicine to the patient. My family began to say “oh so you’re going to college to become a doctor” out of all i said they just heard about doctors, they didn’t care about the field i was working on, they just expected me to become a doctor with a successful career. So I just told them yes. Everybody was happy and telling me that they are proud of me and I’m becoming the woman they expect me to be. There was this one incident where i was not conscious of what i was wearing. My grandmother saw it and said I looked like a mad man because I had ripped jeans on. Another time I had a maxi dress and she told me to take it off and put something else on because the back was showing too much. I Began to feel really bad about how I was dressing and began to be more conscious than I was before on my appearance.
I never knew what the major consequences would happen if one of the females did not follow the expectations until I saw first hand what my family did to my aunt. My aunt was 16 years old when she had my little cousin. That has to be one of the worst things to do in the family because to the outside world she seems like a fast woman trying to do grown up things, which will make the family look bad. Not only did she have a baby at 16 she also did not finish school and as of right now she kind of goes to men to men and her daughter that is 18 right now does the same online. My family knows that they are that way and have shunned her and her daughter. Shuning in my family is ignoring you anytime you come around and judging you all the time. After seeing the way my family treats my aunt and cousin made me more scared into breaking expectations. I want to feel accepted, my family not shunned. It will break my heart if that was the case with me.
Even though i do not break my expectations and follow everything my family expects from me, I can’t help but to ask, if i was suppose to wear sneakers and not go to college and possibly worked in fast food restaurant with long colorful nails and purple hair, have tattoos and a nose piercing does that mean i’m not a women. I understand not drinking and not smoking and some other things but to exclude your family member because they made a mistake is not fair , not only that it makes it scary to be around my family because i’m constantly second guessing myself. A lot of expectations have benefited me like cooking and cleaning because now I am independent and don’t need anybody to do things for me. Also when it comes to my appearance and being limited on what I’m supposed to wear or look , I can say that helps me because when anybody sees me they always say i look presentable. Being a woman is more than appearance or choice of career, it’s about a mindset of being independent and just being respectful to others and yourself.
