Hello, my name is Kianna Holm. I come from a large family. I have 4 sisters and 6 brothers. My dad has 10 kids and my mom has 5, 4 with my dad. We didn’t all live together but we were together often. I’m the youngest girl out of the group so that did come with some benefits but I also think that it has made me think differently about genders and their roles. Because of this I’ve gotten a sense of microaggression from young.
Microaggressions is “everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.” Microaggressions may be based on socioeconomic status, disability, gender, gender expression or identity, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, nationality, or religion. I’ve had many experiences with microaggressions. I think the most common one that happens to me is my teachers failing to learn to pronounce or continuing to mispronounce students’ names after they have corrected you. From my experience the long, complicated, unique names usually come from black girls. It’s understandable that the name may be hard to remember or pronounce but intentionally or not it creates a bad environment for a teacher to keep mispronouncing a student’s name.
During most of my childhood years I’ve been really skinny. I used to get teased for it but I had older brothers so it wasn’t often I’d hear the stupid “Do your parents feed you?” comment. But of course they can’t be with me all the time to defend me so I still hear it. When I got to high school I didn’t have my brothers. I was by myself. The girls at my school were thick, curvy and they’ve grown breasts and their bodies have formed and are still forming. Then there was me, still shopping in the kids department because that was the only thing that fit. I would wear a training bra everyday hoping to make them grow. I started to feel left out and just not the same. I started to question myself, trying to figure out if something was wrong with me. I was confused as to why haven’t I experienced any of these normal teenage phases.
I met a few girls at my school who were feeling just as insecure about their bodies as I was but in a different way. I didn’t get why some of them were complaining. They looked great! They had everything I wanted plus some. But they didn’t like it. There were many reasons why, but the most common reason they all said was It brought them attention they didn’t like. They wanted what I had and I wanted what they had. I later learned that there isn’t a “normal” way to look. Everybody is different and everybody’s body is different. I realized that no matter how you look or what you do people would always have negative things to say to you.
This chart exercise really made me think about myself and how I feel about myself. In the first column I wrote my hair, my smile and my calves. My hair isn’t my favorite part of my body. I have coarse, think 4c type hair. My hair has always been a big thing for me and my family. My mom would take care of my hair and treat it so it would grow nice. I hated my hair when I was younger because I’m tender headed and my hair was always hard to comb out. My mother made me realize that my hair is a part of who I am. She went on about how black peoples hair is always looked down upon but it’s actually beautiful. From the shrinkage to the unique curl patterns. So before my hair would make me upset but I’ve learned more about it and learned about what works best and I’ve learned to love it. I did cut my hair off but i still love it now. I look forward to doing different hairstyles and things because sometimes it helps build my confidence. My smile is my favorite feature on my body. I love how wide and bright it is. I love the effect it has on people. I’ve gotten complaints that my smile has made people’s day and the feeling that gives me is great. My least favorite thing on my body is my calves. I think I have huge, manly calves. I used to get teased about it when I was younger. I hated it. I still don’t like them but I think now that I’m older I’ve learned to just deal with it because i can’t change it. Looking at my calves or just having them exposed sometimes makes me really insecure. I feel like when people see me that’s all they see but I’ve learned to realize I may be exaggerating. While doing this chart after the readings i think that one of the theories that relate is the psychological theory. “Psychological theories emphasize the internal psychological processes triggered by early childhood experiences with one’s body and interpersonal interactions with primary caregivers and close contact.” I think because I was teased and had so many bad experiences with my hair or calves, I think I’ve learned to dislike them. But because I’ve gotten so much good feedback on my smile that might play a part in my i love it so much.
This is when I finally learned to just love myself and everything about me. Although I may not be happy with everything I have there are some people who are dying to look like me. I’ve learned a life lesson that you’re never going to be happy if you don’t love yourself. Self love is the best love, because if you truly love yourself, along with all your flaws, there’s nothing that anybody can say to take that confidence away.
