Gender Identity project

         My entire life I’ve questioned everything about myself. The questions always went back to what my place in the world was, and more than that what my purpose was. Looking back at my mind set growing up, I think I would describe it as being in a state of perpetual existential crisis. I questioned everything and was very insecure. I grew up on an island that I was not born on. The culture and heritage that the locals had ingrained in them, I had to fight for and learn. I was constantly trying to prove that I was worthy of just sharing in that part of their identity. This led me to constantly be an outcast. When people would ask me where I was from I would always se I was born in NJ but have lived on the island since I was 2. I guess deep down I thought that they would never accept me if I wasn’t born on the island so I never really tried to fit in. At one point, I thought I just had to accept that I was meant to be the outcast. No one would ever fully accept me or understand me, and so I never tried to understand or accept myself. I ostracized myself so much that my own family started calling me a black sheep. 

       Over the course of my adolescence, I knew I was unhappy. I put myself in many different groups trying to see if I could understand who I was or what I wanted. I felt that there was no one I could talk about my internal struggle with my sexuality with because I felt like I again would not be understood. When I got to highschool I thought I could start over. It was a clean slate. No one knew me. I tried again to find a group and fit in. I found people that were secure in their sexuality and tried to learn from them. I did not want to be a black sheep anymore. I did everything to be as ‘normal’ as I could. I mimicked other classmates’ mannerisms and styles. I dressed how they dressed and dated similar people. I participated in activities I had no interest in. I felt like I needed to be exactly like them. I quickly learned I could not fake the funk. Pretending to be as secure as they were made me even more uncomfortable. The truth was that I was still fining myself. My freshman year was the last year I went to school. My struggle with my sexuality and identity became so bad that I had a mental breakdown almost everyday. My anxiety fully started to manifest itself. What I previously thought was just a general unhappiness became so much more than that. After I left the school I was homeschooled for my remainder of my high school years. I completely secluded myself. I didn’t talk to anyone, I didn’t see anyone. I cut myself off from the world. I had no idea at the time but this was the best thing I ever did for myself.

     Now alone and in my own little world I was able to really work on myself without fear of judgement from my peers. I unconsciously became more secure in who I was even if I didn’t have a specific group that I belonged to. After about 2 years of being by myself I believed I was able to take on the world again. As much as I believed I was mentally prepared for the world again I wasn’t. I was still searching for a group to fit into and now that I had access to so much more I went crazy. I push myself into a relationship that didn’t reflect who I was or what I wanted. I forgot all the healthy habits I learned and reverted right back into who I was in high school. Moreover I started outwardly criticizing and making fun of myself. I was so lost in my identity that I would call myself a little boy (referring to my looks and body), I questioned my sexuality and became extra promiscuous. I even got to the point were I started to use the pronouns he, him, his. My life was all over the place. I never really took in the severity of my actions and how they were affecting me. Once I finally hit rock bottom I decided I needed a change again. I removed myself once again and tried to figure who I really was and what I wanted. 

      After a few months of soul searching and meditation, as well as building healthy habits, I was able to come to a happy conclusion. I am a person that needs no labels or groups. I thrive when I am on my own. I don’t really fit into any group and I am learning that now I do not want to. I am a person that spreads love and operates off the feelings I have. I love who I love and express myself in whatever way that I feel comfortable. I do identify as a woman but embrace that I have an androgones side. I just am who I am and everyday I am learning something new about myself. I am a cisgendered Afro-Caribbean American woman who sexually fluid and enjoying life as it comes to me.