Hello, my name is Kianna Holm. I am 19 years old and this is my last semester at BMCC. I want to become an anesthesiologists, so I’m taking all my pre-reqs to get into the nursing program. I’m from Jamaica, Queens, NY. I’ve lived there for most of my life. During my free time I love to watch movies, listen to music and go out o new places.
I come from a large family. I have 4 sisters and 6 brothers. My dad has 10 kids and my mom has 5, 4 with my dad. We didn’t all live together but we were together often. I’m the youngest girl out of the group so that did come with some benefits but I also think that it has made me think differently about genders and their roles.
During most of my childhood years I’ve been really skinny. I used to get teased for it but I had older brothers so it wasn’t often I’d hear the stupid “Do your parents feed you?” comment. But of course they cant be with me all the time to defend me so I still hear it. When I got to high school I didn’t have my brothers I was by myself. The girls at my school were thick, curvy and they’ve grown breast and their bodies have formed and were still forming. Then there was me, still shopping in the kids department because that was the only thing that fit. I would wear a training bra everyday hoping to make them grow. I started to feel left out and just not the same. I started to question myself, trying to figure out if something was wrong with me. I was confused as to why haven’t I experienced any of these normal teenage phases.
I met a few girls at my school who were feeling just as insecure about their bodies as I was but in a different way. I didn’t get why some of them was complaining. They looked great! They had everything I wanted plus some. But they didn’t like it. There were many reasons why, but the most common reason they all said was It brought them attention they didn’t like. They wanted what I had and I wanted what they had.
At that time I wasn’t thinking like how they were. I felt left out so I just wanted to fit in but sometimes that’s not always the best. I didn’t even think about the things they were saying while hoping to be like them. I didn’t think that looking like that would draw attention because so much attention was drawn to me for being skinny so I thought it was normal to look like that. I thought I was out of place. I later learned that there isn’t a “normal” way to look. Everybody is different and everybody’s body is different. I realized that no matter how you look or what you do people would always have negative things to say to you.
This is when I finally learned to just love myself and everything about me. Although I may not be happy with everything I have there are some people who are dying to look like me. I’ve learned a life lesson that you’re never going to be happy if you don’t love yourself. Self love is the best love, because if you truly love yourself, along with all your flaws, there’s nothing that anybody can say to take that confidence away.
Hello Kianna,
Is not it that you always have some perk for being the youngest child at home. You would not believe I am 25 and I still go to the KID section for buying my clothes and shoes. I hear similar comments from my friends and family. It’s funny my 9 years old cousin visited me last Christmas and I loved her pant so much, she left that for me, and I am wearing it now to my work while I was reading your story and just looking at myself and smiling.
True we cannot stop people from being judgmental but we can definitely stop blaming ourselves that are not in our control and start loving and taking care of ourselves. It’s great that you could realize the self-importance has built your confidence. You are an inspiration to a lot of people dear. Be you, be yourself 🙂
Hello Kiana,
Thank you for sharing your story. Your life experiences, your strength, and your perseverance paid off. I loved it when you said that ‘’ I finally learned to love myself.” I think that is a good lesson that all of us can admire.
When I was young, I was very skinny too. That my mom used to give me medications so I can eat more and gain weight. As soon as I hit puberty my body changed completely, and I really wanted to be skinny again. but with time I learned that I had to love myself and my body because it is unique. No one has perfect proportions and bodies except in magazines and television, which is most of the time photoshopped and never reflects our reality or our society.
looking forward to more of your gender stories.
Firdawce.
Hey Kianna Holm, I really like your story, no matter how look society is going to judge this is the cycle of life. I used to be bully because i was thick and had big breast, they used to call mammoths from ice age or big MAMA and so one… if you were a big girl they will still call you names, nothing is perfect enough for society. Like you I just accept who I am and love myself the way I am, I am not going to change for society to fit in because I know who I am and nobody cans put me down.
Hi Kianna! Wow I definitely identify with your story. I was chubby as little girl but as I grew up I became very skinny. I didn’t like the way I looked I thought I had no meat, I thought being skinny made me weak. Through middle school I tried to eat more and in high school I tried to wear more layers of clothes to obtain a curvy look. My friends always complemented my body but I never understood why I wanted what they had. I learned to love myself and to focus on what I love about myself. I am so inspired by your story and all the replies above!
Hey Kianna, I was in your shoes to as well. I was always the smallest one in school and people who brung me down called me anorexic. I always tried to eat more or wear leggings under my jeans to look bigger. As I grew older I started to embrace my body because like you said there were people who wanted to have my body. But overall I learned to appreciate what you have and also to love yourself because its your body and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it.