Alex Barrios

“Papa who wakes up in the dark” Honestly hit me hardest. I’ve experienced that kind grief when my mom passed away.  It was surreal. One of my mom’s friends witnessed her suddenly fall to the ground and went to tell my dad. She had fell due to an epileptic episode. Everything that happened between my dad trying to wake her up while waiting for the ambulance to being in the hospital feeling everything from uncertainty, despair to confusion and just numbness. It was surreal and it was weird. I recall going to the bathroom and began to break down in tears while entering a fury just punching the bathroom stalls. What added to this pain was seeing my father cry. Never in my life I’ve seen him breakdown. He was always calm and stoic and to see him in that state brought immense sadness and fear. I felt guilty even though its nobody’s fault but I just didn’t  know how to cope with it. It felt like we were all on a bus ride together and suddenly the bus stops and the driver tells me and my dad to get off and the driver leaves us stranded.

Page 46 Titled “Chanclas” really resonated with me because when I was a kid my mom always had problems finding the size for my feet. “They’re too big” she would say. So for a time I never wore sandals because I was worried about people seeing my feet and making fun of it. I know it wasn’t her fault or intention but I did felt bad and I never told her. Then I was a teenager she’d sometimes take me shoes shopping so I can try the shoes before buying, and it was always stressful. Sandals were out of question. No sandals. No open toes. Only closed shoes. I remember my asking me how come I don’t like wearing sandals and then I open to her about how I felt embarrassed because my feet being big. However, I saw she was very sad that I felt that way and reassured me that they were fine the way they are and that “never let anyone make you feel ashamed for the way you were born.” 

I found this observation quite insightful: “We are all expelled eventually from the original paradise of infancy, where all our wishes were fulfilled without any effort on our part. Learning about good and evil—gaining knowledge—seems to split our personality in two: the red chaos of unbridled emotions, the id; and the white purity of our conscience, the superego. As we grow up, we vacillate between being overcome by the turmoil of the first and the rigidity of the second (the tight lacing, and the immobility enforced by the coffin). Adulthood can be reached only when these inner contradictions are resolved and a new awakening of the mature ego is achieved, in which red and white coexist harmoniously.” (Bettelheim 214)   I find it insightful because a lot of fairy tales tend to have some underlying context involving coming-of-age, maturing into adulthood and the perils of naivety. Snow white was given multiple chances to avoid danger as instructed by the seven dwarves, but she fell victim to the tricks and lies from her evil stepmother. The story serves the purpose of providing valuable lessons. The idea that one must overcome their idealistic and dewy-eyed outlook on the world because the world is designed to be chaotic and that nothing is at it seems so one should be prepared to defend from forces that wish harm especially those who you can consider family and/or friend. The other lesson is that jealousy rarely ends well for the person who is feeling it such as the stepmother who later was punished and was sentence to wear iron shoes with hot coal inside them and was ordered to dance until she died. 

The story reads to me as a psychological coming-of-age story with Christianity under tones. The story begins with Connie just living her life like any other teenager. Going out to the mall with her friends, meeting boys, etc. The story seems like the kind where we watch her journey that may include love, heartbreak, and self-discovery. Except Connie is extremely vain and only values outward appearance. Immediately, my impression of Connie is that despite that she is simply an “innocent lamb” she is committing a sin in her case is vanity while Arnold Friend could be seen as “The Devil.” Based on his demeanor and approach to Connie. He talks sweetly to her and somehow knows her name despite Connie never meeting this man. He appears unexpectedly at her house and drives a conspicous vehicle along with a friend. Two strange men who want Connie to come with them. They never expressed what their intentions were, yet Connie feared for her life. Ultimately, giving in to the threats and the harassing, Connie gives in and is lured outside, never to be seen again. This is also referenced in Paragraph 10 of Korb’s Essay: “Connie, of course, does not recognize the story’s demonic elements when the reader does. These references quickly add up: her utterances of “hell” and “Christ” when Arnold shows up; his supernatural awareness of the details of Connie’s life, particularly his ability to “see” the family barbecue; his vampiric inability to enter Connie’s house” 

I chose White Lies by Natasha Trethewey as my reference for this week’s discussion. At first, I had a challenging time understanding the meaning of the poem. However, through several readings and breaking down each line I understood what was laid out by the author. The poem touches on identity as a theme and it’s about a girl who struggles to accept herself for who she is. What brought my understanding to completion is this line “Believing her, I swallowed suds / thinking they’d work / from the inside out.” For a good portion of the poem, it seemed like it is about a girl just telling normal white lies that meant little harm. However, underneath that I understood that her mother was punishing her because she was denying her racial identity, trying to assimilate into a culture that was not her own. To which the line comes into play where she really believed that if she were to be clean from the inside then she can be white and purified on the outside- as in her skin tone. 

The essay written by Edward Hirsch (How to Read a Poem) provided a comprehensive and solid foundation for my understanding of poetry. His descriptions about common pitfalls really resonated with me, as those were things that held me back from genuinely appreciating the craft. Recalling the frustrations of figuring out the literal meaning of the poems. After reading the essay, I know now that poetry should not be rushed, and the words are meant to “felt” more so than read. We don’t have to figure out the literal meaning of the poem in one reading and that’s okay. I figured that’s the point. To write creatively and freely without pressure and to show the reader to allow themselves to get lost in the lines and the imagery.  To search for questions or answers and play around. That you don’t have to think too hard but also use your imagination to experience and feel things that can’t be felt directly.  

A common theme between the two readings is a woman wanting to be released from their husbands. However, another theme that also came to mind is what it means for a woman who desires of finding her own identity and self-worth in the world. To be able to exist as her own person without the constraints of societal pressure. To be more than whatever men tell women to be and seek out opportunities. Lines 8-9 from Emily Dickinson’s The Wife “It lay unmentioned, as the sea, develops pearl and weed.” and the line from Story of An Hour- “Go away. I am not making myself ill. No; she was drinking in the very elixir of life through that open window.” Both resonate with the idea of starting a new chapter and embarking on a personal journey to discovering oneself. The “sea” that the wife mentions could be interpreted as her husband who “develops pearl and weed” – with “Pearl” meaning a dream or something similar and “weed” being like a seed of doubt planted by the husband. While the line “she was drinking in the very elixir of life through that open window” could symbolize that nothing is “wrong” with her and that the “elixir of life” is really her finally opening her eyes and take in the realization that now she no longer needs to grieve for her dead husband. That she’s taken in the sights and beauty of her surroundings which inspire her to have a new outlook on her life.  

I enjoy this story the most compared to the other reads. I would say that the story’s “interior” is mostly a commentary on how some people practice virtue signaling directly or indirectly. The grandmother acts very sanctimonious throughout the text and believes that a person’s morality is solely determined by some superficial observation.  The irony is that the misfit is the most honest and believable character because he sees himself for who and what he really is. The line where he says “Nome, I ain’t a good man,” The Misfit said after a second as if he had considered her statement carefully, “but I ain’t the worst in the world neither”.  is very interesting because I understand it both literal and subliminal. I interpreted it as he was calling out the grandmother’s hypocrisy, piousness and naivete. Which also brings me to the understanding that perhaps maybe all of her observations could come from a place of guilt in her younger days. Maybe she wasn’t all that “good” herself and thus projects herself onto people. Perhaps she believes that by seeing people’s goodness regardless of who or what they are-then maybe people can see her for how she wants to be seen.  

One of the defining human conditions that is prevalent throughout the play is the attempt to escape one’s fate and the burden of truth. I understand that in his position the idea that he would murder his own father and to then sleep with his mother deeply disturbed him so much that he perhaps thought he could do something to escape that destiny by using his free will. However, not realizing that his actions end up fulfilling the very prophecy he’s terrified of. Along with the idea of escaping fate and free will, another theme I’ve picked up is sight and blindness. The contrast between a blind prophet who can “see” the world for what it really is and Oedipus who is able to see with his own eyes yet to chooses not to see things for what they are.  Sometimes we choose to see what we want to see because it’s easier to live in ignorance than to be burdened with the weight of the truth. 

Alex Barrios  Professor Conway  ENG 201 Sec. 0517  October 3, 2022    “I say with those you love best you live in foulest shame unconsciously and do not see where you are n calamity.” – Line 416 TEIRESIAS conversing with OEDIPUS.    This line catches my attention the most because for Teiresias she warned Oedipus that the knowledge she had on her king about what he had done would stir his anger to which she confirmed. The line flows very beautifully and there’s a particular contrast between love and shame along with a bit of irony as she mentions that he “does not see where he is the calamity.” while she herself is blind because she has no eyes. It’s a good example of people who ask for truth often aren’t really prepared to accept it-let alone hear it. So, Oedipus responds by almost in a threatening tone in Line 426, “Do you imagine you can always talk like this and live to laugh at it hereafter”. The two lines for encapsulates the idea that a man can ask and seek guidance and yet choose to remain closed-minded.       

Alex Barrios  Professor Conway  ENG 201 Sec. 0517  September 25, 2022  My takeaway from “Araby” is that things do not always go the way you want them to go and sometimes it can be extremely frustrating when there’s something you want so badly yet it feels like the universe conspires against you. Between bad timing and poor choices, it seemed like the circumstances were simply beyond the narrator’s control. I understand why it’s not a “Love” story while simultaneously understanding how others can view the story through those lenses. This is a person who was simply smitten and developed an obsessive crush to which the narrator goes about their day thinking about the girl and dreaming what it would be like to be the one who pleased her by providing a gift from the bazaar. I think had the narrator told the uncle about the girl he was interested in then perhaps maybe the uncle would’ve been more considerate and would even go as far as helping him reach the bazaar and pick out a gift.        

Alex Barrios  Professor Conway  ENG 201 Sec. 0517  September 14, 2022  Personally, Sylvia’s attitude towards her peers and to Ms. Moore contrasts to her friend Sugar but it’s relatable and understandable. Sylvia wasn’t all too interested nor was she concerned with the social and economic inequalities that were going on at that time period. She showed agitation towards Ms. Moore who is an educated and older woman that simply wanted the kids to know that there is more to experience out in the world. Sugar, who was more open and receptive to the lessons, asked questions and showed curiosity. She was aware that the toys were so expensive that even if you were to combine the allowances between all the kids. However, Sylvia only focused on taking the money for herself, which perhaps says a lot about her mentality. She was raised to spend money on what’s necessary only. That any toy regardless of the price was simply a luxury that she could never afford and that her passive-aggressive attitude could simply be her feeling jealousy and resentment towards her current circumstances and to Ms. Moore for reminding her of the hard reality that black people were living in during her time. 

Alex Barrios  Professor Conway  ENG 201 Sec. 0517  August 31, 2022  In the beginning young Langston started off as a believer in which he assumed Jesus was a physical being who would appear to those who are willing to be open with him. This is also supported by the fact that he was twelve going on thirteen at that time–which meant he was still considered a child.   However, by the end of the night he was left with a great sense of guilt and remorse. Not because he didn’t see Jesus or the light but due to him lying to his family and to all the adults in the church. The idea that he had to lie to his aunt who at one point was crying because she wanted her nephew to be “saved” didn’t sit well him later when he was home. The story also brought to my attention the notion of conformity. Langston and Westley for the most part seem like very honest kids. However they had to fake a religious experience to get out of a hot church, which leaves a person with a lot of questions and places much doubt on one’s faith overall.    

Alex Barrios  ENG 201(0517) 58526  August 27, 2022  Prof. Celeste Conway     Prompt: Why do you think I might have assigned this as the first story of the course?    Truthfully, I do not know and maybe that’s the point. To not know and to figure out along the way “why was this story the first in the course?.”  I’m sure that this is supposed to be open-ended question so I’m going to treat it as such. Well off the top of my head I believe its stimulate our imagination, stretches our reading and interpretation muscles. I also come to understand and respect writers for their efforts of crafting these stories that capture the wonders and the hearts of the readers. I think that is very extraordinary skill and one that is not easy to fine tune. I think you had us read this first because maybe we’re much like “Esteban”. He represents untapped potential—maybe potential and motivation incarnate. He’s the idea that anything and everything that was, is and will be possible—can be turned into something more than what it currently is. If you can seize the opportunity. Right now, my wording on things probably does not make sense. I could say “I’m not writer” but that would be wrong. I can write but I do not possess yet the skill to place my feelings, dreams and desires into words that are structured and coherent. I write mostly for myself and myself only. If I had to write for anyone else, I’d honestly write what I think would sound proper or professional. However, that’s not the case here. I’m writing as close as to who I ‘am in the waking world as possible. The story of both Gabriel Marquez and “Esteban” and how they manage to spark a light. An idea […]