In 2017, I felt very lost that year. Everything is a blur, the immense pain I felt everyday was indescribable. I had lost everything familiar to me when my grandmother passed away. Everyday her voice replayed in my mind conversations we used to have, the way she would look so proud of me when I got a good grade she would always say “Mwen renmen ou, Mwen fyè di ou” I love you and I’m proud of you. Those words didn’t really mean much from others when she left.
In my household we speak English and Creole, growing up my grandmother tried to teach me little words to understand the language. I would always know when she was upset with me, she would yell “ou ap resevwa sou nè mwen an” which translates to “your getting on my nerves”. This stands out to me because it’s also how she expressed her love with a smile on her face. Unfortunately when she passed the knowledge of my language slowly slipped away from me. It reminds me of how Natalie Diaz mentioned in “Losing Father, Losing Faster”, “One of the saddest is when my elder teacher cannot answer a question, when he looks at me and says, you are ask me because I don’t know the answer but I also do not the answer and there is no one left for me to ask”. It is a quote that will continue to resonate with me because I understand what it is like to have no one to ask about your past, who you are as a person.
Although I will never know the terrible loss of losing a language like Diaz, the thought of learning creole never really meant much after losing the one person who made learning my native language special. It feels as if when she left, my eagerness to learn the wonderful language left with her. Slowly I’m learning the language from my Aunt, who took me in after my grandmother passed. I am fortunate enough to have someone to help me pass down my language to my kids in the future. Learning creole is very important to me because even though my grandmother is no longer physically here with me she is always with me through my words and language.
Work Citied: Losing Farther, Losing Faster: Reading Elizabeth Bishop’s “One Art” While Trying to Save My Native Language [by Natalie Diaz] https://blog.bestamericanpoetry.com/the_best_american_poetry/2014/03/natalie-diaz-losing-farther-losing-faster-reading-elizabeth-bishops-one-art-while-trying-to-save-my-.html
Jasmine, it is very interesting connecting your experience of your language to Natalie Diaz’s work. I agree with the quote you chose to connect with that Natalie Diaz and the three elders in their efforts in preserving their native language and them not having the answer. It can affect your identity if that language is not spoke often or passed down to the next generation and will leave wondering about your identity. Thank you for sharing your story!